Thoughts Screaming Out Loud
by mandolin28
Summary: Takes place at the end of Funeral. My heart broke for Finn and I didn't want that tulip to go to waste. So, here is an idea for how it could have ended instead.


"Oh, Jesse, wait! I left my bag on stage."

"Well... you go practice your winning gracefully and remaining humble face and I'll go get it."

Rachel quickly reached out to grab his hand to stop him. That wasn't the idea. And there was no bag.

" I-I-I also need just a little time to gather myself for the onslaught of hate that is sure to be thrown at me when I return. You've never seen Santana go all street. It's terrifying. You go on ahead and I will catch up to you. I won't be long."

He smiled obligingly before turning to go, she smiled more unsurely back at him, unsure of how she was feeling after that kiss. It flattered her that he had come back to right his wrongs where she was concerned and his kiss felt familiar and warm. She had always loved kissing Jesse. He was so passionate about everything he did and kissing was no exception. She had never been kissed that way. Until she had really been kissed by Finn, that is. Prior to Jesse, Finn had always been so sweet with his blink and you miss it kisses. But after their reunion, he had held nothing back from her and his kisses lit fires in her soul that continued to burn.

Finn. Her Finn. But not anymore. His kisses belonged to someone else now and she was sickened every day with the proof of it laid out before her. Her heart had been so clenched earlier at the funeral. Listening to Coach Sylvester's words about tethers and falling into nothingness, she knew the feeling exactly. She wanted so badly to break the connection she had to Finn. She wanted to just wake up one morning and not ache for him. But, after two months, it still hadn't happened. She missed him. She missed his laugh. She missed the way he smelled. She missed being able to look into his eyes from across the room and know what he was thinking or feeling without him ever speaking a word. She missed hearing about his day. She even missed hearing about sports she cared nothing about and video games that made her sick at her stomach. But, none of her missing him really mattered. He had gotten over her so easily it physically hurt. She came to believe she had just made up the intensity of their love in her head. Part of her overdramatic imagination. And now as she approached the stage once more she was resolved. She was going to follow through on whatever this thing was with Jesse. Her heart wasn't in it, but maybe that was the only way for her to cut the cord. At least she wouldn't be alone anymore. She had to say goodbye. There were things that she wanted to say and though she may never get closure by saying those things to Finn to his face , she had to say them out loud. They had to leave her body. So, she returned to the exact spot on the stage where he had kissed her for the first time. Where their voices had first created their own unique harmony. She let her fingers trail lightly across the keys of the piano as she passed. Then she walked downstage center and sank slowly onto her knees. She took a deep breath and began to pour her heart out to the boy she loved even though he would never hear her.

"I have some things that I need to say to you and I am probably never going to have the chance to say them to you in person, but if I don't get them out of me they will slowly eat away at me until I have nothing left. I am such a fighter. I fight for what I want, what I know is right, for my dreams. I fought like hell for you. But I am also a sensible girl who knows a losing battle when she sees one. So, this is me giving up. I am forcing myself to let go of you and move on. I have known since that day in the nurses office that there was nothing left for me and you. I mean, who can compete with fireworks?" She lightly chuckled sadly and continued. "See, my head got it immediately probably because of my superior intellect, but my heart? My heart had a much harder time coming around. That could be due to the fact that it was broken. Maybe broken hearts don't work as well as ones that are left whole." She stopped to think about the profoundness of that statement. "I still don't know why I did it. I was just so blinded by my thinking that there was no way you could love me and look at Santana the way you did when she passed you in the hall that day. Bet you didn't know I saw that, right? You looked at her like you could have taken her again right there in front of the lockers and I had never seen you look at me that way. Then she told me you bought her dinner after. She was on the path to intentionally break me. She had just destroyed me publicly in front of our friends and our teacher and your only defense was that we weren't together. I wonder what you would have done if I had told you I slept with Puck and lied about it. I needed to feel wanted and protected. By you. You know its funny, I always felt physically safe with you, but when it came to protecting my feelings it was like you ran away from every fight. How could you let her talk to me like that? You even laughed once at her vicious comments. Remember? I generally felt like it was you and me against the world and that we were such a strong team, but then there were moments like that when I felt alone with you sitting right beside me. It's funny to me that in the end, you could doubt my love for you even though I had shown you time and time again the depth of it. I protected you from humiliation when Jacob was going to out Quinn's pregnancy. I helped you get a job to support what you believed would be your family and I saved you from a life of raising a baby that wasn't yours when no one else would. I made sure you knew how hot you are when you were worried about the way you look. I joined the stupid football team so you would be able to play. I took care of you in the nurse's office when you had mono even though I knew you had gotten it from kissing someone else. I helped you choose a corsage for your prom date even though I was dying inside that it wasn't me. When did you show you loved me? You were so appalled by the fact that I had gone to Puck but couldn't see my pain at just knowing it was Santana. You were my boyfriend, but more importantly, you were my best friend. You should have taken better care of me than that. I am by no means negating my role in all of this. I know that I had such a huge part in the destruction of us, and I own that. If I could take it back I would. I would take back any second of pain I inflicted on you. I wasn't thinking clearly when I left with Puck that day because I was hurt. But, ultimately I chose to risk your heart which was my most prized possession. Despite that, I know now that what I felt for you was so much stronger than what you felt for me. I guess I really was just a rebound for you even though I tried to convince myself otherwise. But, I guess Quinn was right. She gets you and I get heartbroken. But, before I say goodbye for good, I have to tell you... I love you, Finn. I love you so much I can't breathe sometimes. I will love you for the rest of my life no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. You are on the other end of my tether. I miss you. So much. When I felt your arm around me a regionals, I literally wanted to climb up there and never let you go. How pathetic is that? One more thing, I may never get it right, but that doesn't mean you have to get it wrong. Please don't settle for less than all that you are. Don't you dare listen to anyone who puts you down. I should have defended you to Jesse this week. He is so very wrong about you. I am so sorry. You are the best guy we've got and we wouldn't be where we are without you. You are so phenomenally talented. Maybe you aren't the best dancer..." she smiled a little. "I have xrays to prove it..." a little laugh escaped quietly. "But your voice, my God, your voice, it is so much better than Lima good. And your big heart... Doing what you did for Ms. Sylvester was beautiful. I am sorry I didn't back you up with your plan. Please never lose that pure heart... don't let Quinn cause it to be jaded. She thinks she knows what is best for you, and it kills me to see her limit you and put you in her little box. Please promise me you'll find a way to shine. I will always be your biggest fan, even if it's from afar. I love you with everything that I am. I will cherish every moment that you were mine."

She wiped away the tears that had been steadily falling almost since she had begun speaking. She actually did feel better. Some of those things she didn't even know she felt. Giving a silent nod, she took a deep breath a rose to her feet sliding her hands down her dress to straighten it back out. She turned with new determination toward the left wing of the stage and began to take the first steps back into her life.

"Rachel."

She heard his voice reverberate softly from the darkness at the back of the auditorium and she froze, feeling her blood rush from her head. Turning slowly, she met his eyes as he made his way down the center aisle toward her. In his hand was a pink tulip, on his cheeks were fresh tears, and in his eyes was a look of such fierce adoration she was almost knocked over by the force of it. Her breathing became a chore as she fought against the instinct to run. But she couldn't remember how to move her legs. She followed his eyes as he made his way up the steps to the side of the stage and with every footstep to where she stood trembling. How much had he heard? This was utterly humiliating. Not only did he probably catch her, in essence, talking to herself, but now he also knew how desperate her thoughts were. He arrived at his destination just a foot from her and stopped. He was looking at her so intensely that she had to look away.

"Finn. H- How long have you been here?" Looking up from the floor back to his warm golden brown eyes, she inwardly cringed waiting for the answer.

"I've actually been back there since Jesse kissed you," he replied as he ran a hand over the back of his neck.

Her heart began to pound and she felt her face flush what she was positive must be a deep crimson. She could feel the heat radiating from her face and her ears.

" I came in here looking for you, hoping we could talk and after I saw the two of you," he cleared his throat as he almost choked on the word, "kissing, I had to sit down for a minute. I was just about to go when I heard your footsteps."

"Why didn't you say something?" she wondered out loud. Sure would have saved her the embarrassment of this moment.

"I didn't know what to say. I kind of needed the time to be alone and think and I didn't think you would stay long. Then, you started talking and I was too lost in your words to stop you. I'm sorry. I should have let you have your privacy." He closed his eyes and lowered his head as her previous words echoed in his brain.

He opened them when he felt her soft hand on his arm. He looked at it lying there, at the way her olive skin looked next to his paler shade. It was the first time she had touched him like that in so long. Softly, she spoke. "Finn, It's- I mean, it's OK. It was just something I had to do. It's probably good that it happened this way. I would have never said all of that to your face and it's a good thing that you heard it, I guess. I was just kind of blown away by my confusion over Jesse's kiss and I just needed to finally set you free I think."

"Don't. Please, Rachel, don't." His eyes were closed and his voice was low and pleading, almost a whisper.

"Don't what?" she asked wrinkling her forehead a little in genuine curiosity.

He met her eyes with an intense gaze. "Don't set me free."

She felt her blood rush to her feet and her ears roared slightly. "I don't- I mean there's no- I'm not sure I - what are you talking about?" she finally managed to utter a complete thought. "What about Quinn?" and another.

Finn smiled gently and took her hand and led her to the piano bench and sat her down. He knelt on both knees in front of her, never letting go of her hand. He brought his other hand up to reveal the tulip he was still holding on to. "Do you see this? I brought this here. For you. I came here hoping to find you so I could tell you something you already know." She stared at him with anticipation both wanting and dreading the rest of his sentence. "I am a complete idiot!" he said with all seriousness earning a little choked up chuckle from her as she reached out her free hand to take the flower he was offering.

"I let my pride and my ego and my stupidity make my every decision for the past two and a half months. If I had just let you say everything you just said back then, I wouldn't be sitting here kicking myself for time with you I can never get back. I didn't even hear you out. I am so, so sorry, Rachel." He looked into the big dark brown eyes that were staring straight into his soul and felt his whole body come to life. "I broke up with Quinn after the funeral. In my truck."

Rachel's eyes widened and she slightly squeezed his hand out of reflex.

"See, it was what Coach Sylvester was saying about-"

"Tethers ," she finished the sentence with him. He smiled his half smile that made her melt and said, " Yeah. Tethers. And I don't feel that with her. I never did. But, you? I felt it with you from the first time I kissed you. Right over there." He pointed to their favorite picnic spot. "I just didn't have a word for it."

He looked up to see tears pouring from her Bambi eyes and it tore at his heart. He didn't intend to hurt her further. He watched an array of emotions cross her face in a matter of seconds before she finally spoke.

"I was thinking the same thing, Finn. You and I are so connected and I was terrified that you didn't feel it, too. That maybe you never really did. And I was also afraid that we were going to say goodbye and that you would always remember me, doubting that I loved you." Her face distorted a little with her emotions and he couldn't take it anymore. He reached his left hand out and pulled her down to him so that he could hold her. She clenched her arms around his neck as she continued to cry into it. He quietly shushed her as her gulps slowed and her sniffles were less frequent. He pushed her back slightly so she was sitting in front of him on her knees. Taking her face in his hands, he said, "Rachel- I know you love me. You are right. You showed me in all sorts of ways. You didn't mention that you wrote a song that broke my heart and fearlessly sang it even though you knew it would be like everyone reading your diary. See, I was so stupid to ever think that you didn't love me. No one could ever love me as well as you. And I know that you just made up your mind to give up on this, but I am literally on my knees begging you not to. Give me a chance to show you like you have shown me. Please, Rach. I don't know if I can get up from this stage if you don't. Because I love you. God, I love you. I need you." He bent his head down to look her directly in the eye. "I need you," he whispered. Finn wasn't even aware he was crying until she reached up and dried his tears with her thumbs.

"I need you right back," she whispered with a brilliant smile as she lowered his forehead to hers, her eyes staring into his.

His eyes closed and his hands came up to cradle her head as he let out a combination of a laugh and a sob of relief. And then his lips took complete control. He kissed her deeply and they both inhaled sharply as their tears blended between their faces. His tongue met hers and they moaned in unison. Their lips engaged in a passionate chase. She couldn't remember a time that he had kissed her quite like this. It was as if he were a dying man and she was his salvation. He took all of her in: her smell, her taste, her warmth, her breath. His arms wrapped all the way around her tiny body and he pressed her to him as closely as he was able. Her hands clutched at his hair, rubbed across his broad shoulders, stroked the side of his face. Little moans and sighs escaped like a symphony of desire. His fists gripped her dress on either side of her waist, arms still wrapped around her tightly. He nipped at her bottom lip with his teeth and slid his tongue across it on his way to sucking it into his mouth. He groaned when she kissed her way across his jaw to his ear with hot, open mouthed, wet kisses. He breathed heavily with his eyes closed tightly trying to memorize every second of this dream come true. "I have missed the way you taste. You are delicious," she whispered seductively into it. He turned his head to the side to take her mouth hostage again. "I don't ever. Want to live. Without this. Ever again," he said breathlessly pausing every few words to ravish her willing lips. Again, his tongue was probing hers and he growled when he felt her suck on it . They began to slow things down understanding that they were headed toward a destination they couldn't arrive at in a public place. Their heated, frenzied kisses melted into slow, lingering ones. Neither of them wanted to let go of the other.

When they finally broke contact, out of breath with swollen lips, he stared fiercely into her eyes and spoke deliberately, "Your gorgeous naked body lying under me with your hair spread out on my pillow. You in a white dress smiling at me from between your Dads. You in a lacy piece of lingerie with garters holding up your knee highs crawling across our bed into my waiting arms. Me in the front row of your first opening night on Broadway and you blow me kisses at curtain call. A beautiful baby girl with big chocolate brown eyes dancing on my toes as she sings with you. You in my arms on a Saturday morning with nothing else to do but be together. One rocking chair on our front porch when we are old because you will still be sitting in my lap."

"What?" she asked genuinely lost as to what he was talking about.

"It's my answer to your question. You never really gave me a chance to respond. I was trying to decide whether or not to tell you and then you were gone and I didn't have the strength to fight. But, it's what I see every time I kiss you. My forever. And that beats the hell out of fireworks."

Rachel choked out a soft sob and blinked tightly letting her tears fall down her flushed cheeks. She threw herself toward him wrapping her arms around his neck as she held on to him as if her life depended on it. "Finn Hudson, I am so yours. I have been yours from the moment I first laid eyes on your gorgeous face. Yours always. I love you," she kissed his cheek softly, "I love you," she placed kisses on his forehead and his eyes, "I love you," she murmured against his lips as she gave him another preview of their future.


End file.
